


All of the Things I Couldn't Say

by kayurafii



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, I think I'm done crying now, I'm Sorry, I'm not even sure this is what I wanted, Letter, Saddness, but it's what came out, someone else's turn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 19:42:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4150410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayurafii/pseuds/kayurafii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all know the end is near.  Everything has to come to an end sometime.  But I can't disappear without saying good-bye.</p><p>A letter from Marian Hawke, mage and Champion of Kirkwall, to her brother Carver on the eve of the final battle.  Delivered somewhat later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All of the Things I Couldn't Say

Carver,

I hope this letter find you.  I’d say ‘well’, but I really mean ‘at all’.  I’m trusting channels that I normally wouldn’t use.  And I’ve paid a lot to make sure it comes to you unopened.  I hope you don’t mind that I’m getting the last word.  That is not my intention.

Everything is falling apart, it’s slipping through my fingers even though I never had a grip on any of it.  I never wanted any of this to happen.  I never wanted to stand opposed to you.  

Why did you join the Templars?  You were _never_ in my shadow to begin with, I don’t know where this came from.  All you had to do was stop thinking of yourself as less.  You were _never_ less until you made yourself so.  I’m sorry, now I’m laughing as I don’t think you’ve ever considered me as ‘serious’.  Well, here I am, serious as death.

I left you behind because of mother, in case you wanted to know.  If I died, she couldn’t bear to lose all of her children.  And, let’s face it, if I’m going down, you’re not far behind.  You’re as reckless as I am.

This is hard for me to say, but I want you to know that I forgive you.  And this isn’t me being prideful.  You were more cruel to me than I ever was to you.  Joining the Templars, and then completely disappearing from my life!  Meredith had something to do with it, I expect.  But, I still fail to see how you could do something so stupid.

I wish you had been with me, I needed your help often.  The others could see how empty I was becoming.  And I can’t imagine why!  You blame me for Bethany dying; you were there too!  And then, _where_ were you when I was searching for mother?   ~~Licking that bitches boots.~~  I bet you even blame me for father’s death.  As though we moved around and were in constant danger like I was the only mage in the family.

~~How could you turn on your whole family like this?~~

I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry, Carver.  I know you don’t think of yourself a special.  But you are.  You were the protector that Bethany and I needed.  Don’t you remember when we were younger?  Oh, but I got us in heaps of trouble.  But you were always there, bloodying your knuckles right along with me.  And where would we have been without Beth?  She always smoothed things over with mother and father.  You two were twins, but we were the terrors.

When did we stop being close?  Was it before or after Bethany?  I can’t remember anymore.  It all seems so long ago.  I wish it felt more insignificant.

I know things will be coming to a head soon, I can feel it.  Meredith has lost all sense, and Orsino is almost no better.  I’m afraid, little brother.  I’m afraid of what the world is and what it’s coming to.  I’m afraid that you won’t see reason in time, that you’re still to afraid to look like you’re following at my heels.

But isn’t it my job to lead you?  I’m your older sister, I’m supposed to protect you.  And drive you mad sometimes.  But that’s mutual.

Sorry, I’ve gotten off point.  It seems I can’t keep from rambling.

I guess this is my Will.  Even if I don’t die, we both know I can’t stay in Kirkwall after this.  And I don’t know what you plan to do.  If you stay, everything is yours.  I can’t bear to look at any of it anyway.  Sell it, if you don’t want to ‘live in my shadow’.

Anyway, this has gone on long enough.  I’ve run out of recriminations and slights and apologies.  Creators...we really messed it up, didn’t we?  In any case, I hope you have all the best.  

See you in the Beyond,

Marian Hawke

Champion of Kirkwall

Major pain in the Arse

  
  


P.S. I hope Merrill comes with me, but if she doesn’t, if she stays...please look after her.  Don’t let anything happen to her.  I know you carried something of a torch for her ... I think.  Keep her safe and I know she’ll do the same for you.

Good-bye, little brother.  Don't look for me.

I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> So...I finally got the chance to play DAII (after playing Origins a dozen or more times, everything was so different!). Anyway, I spent a stupid amount of time crying over everything. But, of everything that upset me, I was most upset about how once Carver joins the Templars you never get to interact with him again. I felt that, at least my version of, Marian would want to reach out to him more. And if she was kept away, she'd write him letters, even if they were never delivered. Maybe I'll do a series of letters that cover the game. That could be fun. Start with letters to Bethany, as things go to shit, and then transition to Carver once he backs himself out of the picture.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope I moved any of you to feels.


End file.
